Please listen to my audio journal about scapegoating here-

The origin of the word scapegoat:

The concept of scapegoating dates back to ancient times when a sacrificial goat would bear the burden of the community’s sins and be banished. In dysfunctional family systems, scapegoating serves a similar purpose. The scapegoat becomes the target of blame for the family’s problems, shielding other members from confronting their issues and responsibilities. This role is often assigned arbitrarily and is not based on the scapegoat’s actions or character.

“And he shall take from the congregation of the people of Israel two male goats for a sin offering, and one ram for a burnt offering….Then he shall take the two goats and set them before the Lord at the entrance of the tent of meeting.  And Aaron shall cast lots over the two goats, one lot for the Lord and the other lot for Azazel.  And Aaron shall present the goat on which the lot fell for the Lord and use it as a sin offering, but the goat on which the lot fell for Azazel shall be presented alive before the Lord to make atonement over it, that it may be sent away into the wilderness to Azazel.” (Leviticus 16:5,7-10)*




Who is the Scapegoat in Dysfunctional Families?

Growing up in a toxic, narcissistic family as the scapegoat, can leave deep emotional wounds that persist into adulthood. I have firsthand experience with this process, please listen to my audio journal above. I was and am hated by my some of my family of origin and told repeatedly that I should not have been born. About a month ago, I got an email, unprovoked from a distant cousin, riddled with obscenities, reflective of the toxic family’s vitriol and targeting.

Being the scapegoat often involves being unfairly blamed, criticized, and marginalized, leading to deep, lifelong trauma, self doubt and low self-esteem. Unhealed, we can have the strong tendency to recreate this again and again in our adult families or community. I sought out unhealthy communities and dynamics and recreated these patterns for years. However, healing is possible with awareness and insight. Let’s explore the origin of scapegoating and dysfunctional family systems, followed by ten essential steps to begin the journey of healing from this traumatic experience. Additionally, we provide below, a powerful guided healing meditation to find inner calm as we progress with our recovery process.

Dysfunctional family systems are characterized by unhealthy patterns of communication, emotional neglect or violence, lack of boundaries and abuse. Narcissistic parents and entire family systems, may exploit and manipulate family dynamics to maintain control and power over a targeted child, as that child becomes the human garbage receptacle of the family shadow. The scapegoat often emerges as a convenient target for the narcissist’s projection of their own inadequacies and insecurities. The harm can be generational trauma, unwholesome patterns and indeed, secrets.

Ten Steps from Survivor to Thriver:

1. Acknowledge the trauma: The first step to healing is recognizing and acknowledging the deep, emotional wounds inflicted by being the family scapegoat. Understand that you are not to blame for the dysfunction, and it is okay to seek support and healing.

2. Set boundaries: Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial in breaking free from the patterns of scapegoating. I heard somewhere that you can not simultaneously heal from trauma and be continually exposed to it. Learn to protect yourself emotionally and limit or even cut interactions with toxic family members if necessary.

3. Seek therapy or counseling: Working with a qualified therapist or wellness coach experienced in trauma and dysfunctional family dynamics can provide a safe space to explore and process your feelings, gain insights, develop coping strategies, and eventually, resiliency.

4. Practice self-compassion: Be gentle with yourself and practice self-compassion. Understand that the negative perceptions ingrained by the scapegoat role do not define your worth or identity. Forgive yourself if you have recreated this role again and again, and make an aspiration to evolved out of any victim mentality.

5. Challenge negative beliefs: Challenge the negative beliefs instilled during the scapegoating childhood. Replace them with positive affirmations that reinforce your strengths and worthiness. E.g. “I am a good person, and loveable and I forgive myself for my mistakes.”

6. Cultivate a support network: Surround yourself with supportive and understanding friends or a chosen trusted family member, who did not participate in the scapegoating, who can offer empathy and encouragement throughout the healing process.

7. Identify healthy coping mechanisms: Engage in activities that promote emotional healing, such as journaling, creative expression, mindfulness, and physical exercise. Humour also dis-empowers toxic people, and families!

8. Practice forgiveness (if and when ready): Forgiveness is a personal choice and should only be considered when you feel ready. It does not mean condoning or excusing the abusive behavior but freeing yourself from carrying the burden of resentment. Knowledge about how and why these patterns emerge generationally helps to heal, and, indeed knowledge is power.

9. Focus on personal growth: Invest time in personal development and pursue interests and passions that bring you joy and a sense of fulfillment. Create a vision board- make an aspiration list for today, this week, this month and even year.

10. Embrace your authentic Self: Reclaim your identity from the scapegoat role and embrace your authentic, heartfelt, strong and healed self. Celebrate your uniqueness and make choices that align with your values and aspirations. Every day is new, and we can recreate our lives and shed old patterns. One of my teachers once said “joy is our birthright.” May it be so!

Guided Healing Meditation:

[Trigger Warning: Please note that this guided meditation and discussion about scapegoating may bring up strong emotions. If you find it overwhelming, take a break and return to it when you are ready.]

1. Find a comfortable and quiet space where you can sit or lie down. Take a few deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth, releasing any tension with each breath.

2. Visualize a golden light surrounding your body, emanating warmth and protection. Imagine this light expanding with every breath, forming a cocoon of healing energy around you.

3. Focus on your heart center. Visualize a small, wounded child version of yourself standing in front of you. This is the inner child, carrying the scars of the scapegoating experience.

4. Approach the inner child with love and compassion. Embrace them gently, letting them know that they are safe now and no longer alone in their pain.

5. Listen to the inner child’s feelings and thoughts. Validate their experiences and assure them that they are not responsible for the family’s dysfunction.

6. Imagine a beam of healing light emanating from your heart and enveloping the inner child. As the light touches them, see their wounds begin to heal, and their pain transform into strength.

7. Reassure the inner child that they are worthy of love, acceptance, and happiness. Encourage them to let go of the burden of scapegoating and step into their true, authentic self.

8. With each breath, feel the connection between your present self and the healed inner child strengthening. Know that you carry this newfound strength and resilience within you.

9. When you are ready, slowly bring your awareness back to the present moment. Feel the support of the healing light and the presence of your inner child within you.


Healing from the trauma of being the adult scapegoat in a toxic, narcissistic family requires courage, patience, and self-compassion. Remember that recovery is a gradual process, and seeking support from professionals and understanding friends can provide immense comfort and guidance. By following the ten steps and engaging in healing practices like the guided meditation, we can begin to transform our experience, embrace our authenticity, and pave the way for a more fulfilling and empowered life.

All my love,



Origin of the Communal Scapegoat From The Torah: The traditional reading for Yom Kippor morning focuses on the offerings that Aaron is to bring before God as atonement And from the Israelite community he shall take two he-goats for a sin offering and a ram for a burnt offering.

16:6.         Aaron is to offer his own bull of sin offering, to make expiation for himself and for his household.
16:7.         Aaron shall take the two he-goats and let them stand before the LORD at the entrance of the Tent of Meeting;
16:8.         and he shall place lots upon the two goats, one marked for the LORD and the other marked for Azazel.
16:9.         Aaron shall bring forward the goat designated by lot for the LORD, which he is to offer as a sin offering;
16:10.     while the goat designated by lot for Azazel shall be left standing alive before the LORD, to make expiation with it and to send it off to the wilderness for Azazel.
16:11.     Aaron shall then offer his bull of sin offering, to make expiation for himself and his household. He shall slaughter his bull of sin offering,
16:12.     and he shall take a panful of glowing coals scooped from the altar before the LORD, and two handfuls of finely ground aromatic incense, and bring this behind the curtain.
16:13.     He shall put the incense on the fire before the LORD, so that the cloud from the incense screens the cover that is over [the Ark of] the Pact, lest he die.
16:14.     He shall take some of the blood of the bull and sprinkle it with his finger over the cover on the east side; and in front of the cover he shall sprinkle some of the blood with his finger seven times.
16:15.     He shall then slaughter the people’s goat of sin offering, bring its blood behind the curtain, and do with its blood as he has done with the blood of the bull: he shall sprinkle it over the cover and in front of the cover.
16:16.     Thus he shall purge the Shrine of the uncleanness and transgression of the Israelites, whatever their sins; and he shall do the same for the Tent of Meeting, which abides with them in the midst of their uncleanness.
16:17.     When he goes in to make expiation in the Shrine, nobody else shall be in the Tent of Meeting until he comes out.
When he has made expiation for himself and his household, and for the whole congregation of Israel,
16:18.     he shall go out to the altar that is before the LORD and purge it: he shall take some of
the blood of the bull and of the goat and apply it to each of the horns of the altar;
16:19.     and the rest of the blood he shall sprinkle on it with his finger seven times. Thus he shall cleanse it of the uncleanness of the Israelites and consecrate it.
16:20.     When he has finished purging the Shrine, the Tent of Meeting, and the altar, the live goat shall be brought forward.
16:21.     Aaron shall lay both his hands upon the head of the live goat and confess over it all the iniquities and transgressions of the Israelites, whatever their sins, putting them on the head of the goat; and it shall be sent off to the wilderness through a designated man.
16:22.     Thus the goat shall carry on it all their iniquities to an inaccessible region; and the goat shall be set free in the wilderness.


Image from Pexels and


The Effortless Sleep Method

Can’t sleep? So many of us struggle with poor sleep, broken sleep or insomnia from a variety of inner, environmental and behavioral reasons. Aging is one of the most common, particularly in women over 40 and it can wreak havoc on one’s overall functioning. Believe me, I know, I’ve battled with this on and off for 10 years now. I use Tibetan, Chinese and Functional medicine, and it all helps. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia is also known as CBTI and is more powerful than sleeping pills with no dangerous side effects.

However, if your insomnia is very severe and all herbs and supplements fail, there are times where the doctors may prescribe a short term of sleeping pills (2 weeks or so). This is a temporary stop gap to reset your system, as long as they are carefully monitored and slowly tapered and used only in the most urgent situations where strict CBTI fails. Please see our other articles about sleeping pill tapering. Here is a distilled compilation of recommendations from the foremost book, The Effortless Sleep Method (the author, Sasha Stephens is referred to as the Insomnia exorcist!), CBTI for Veterans and the book Prescriptions for Natural Healing.

Here is a summary of what Sasha says, please download her e-book or listen on Audible for details.

  2. NO NAPS

Achieve a solid base of sleeptime habits:

A. You are really tired and sleepy when you go to bed at night and
B. Make the bed be associated with being asleep and not with lying awake fretting.

A powerful mantra that removes pressure is:


Sasha Stephens

Veterans Tools


Install the App for free:


Sleep Hygiene

The most common cause of insomnia is a change in your daily routine. For example, traveling, change in work hours, disruption of other behaviors (eating, exercise, leisure, etc.), and relationship conflicts can all cause sleep problems. Paying attention to good sleep hygiene is the most important thing you can do to maintain good sleep.


1. Go to bed at the same time each day.

2. Get up from bed at the same time each day. Try to maintain something close to this on weekends.

3. Get regular exercise each day, preferably in the morning. There is good evidence that regular exercise improves restful sleep. This includes stretching and aerobic exercise.

4. Get regular exposure to outdoor or bright lights, especially in the late afternoon.

5. Keep the temperature in your bedroom comfortable.

6. Keep the bedroom quiet when sleeping.

7. Keep the bedroom dark enough to facilitate sleep.

8. Use your bed only for sleep (and sexual activity). This will help you associate your bed with sleep, not with other activities like paying bills, talking on the phone, watching TV.

9. Establish a regular, relaxing bedtime routine. Relaxing rituals prior to bedtime may include a warm bath or shower, aromatherapy, reading, or listening to soothing music.

10. Use a relaxation exercise just before going to sleep or use relaxing imagery. Even if you don’t fall asleep, this will allow your body to rest and feel relaxed.

11. Keep your feet and hands warm. Wear warm socks to bed.

12. Designate another time to write down problems & possible solutions in the late afternoon or early evening, not close to bedtime. Do not dwell on any one thought or idea—merely jot something down and put the idea aside.

Do Not’s:

1. Exercise just before going to bed. Try to keep it no closer than 3-4 hrs before bed.

2. Engage in stimulating activity just before bed, such as playing a competitive game, watching an exciting program on television or movie, or having an important discussion with a loved one.

3. Have caffeine in the evening (coffee, many teas, chocolate, sodas, etc.)

4. Read or watch television in bed.

5. Use alcohol to help you sleep. It actually interrupts your sleep cycle.

6. Go to bed too hungry or too full.

7. Take another person’s sleeping pills.

8. Take over-the-counter sleeping pills, without your doctor’s knowledge. Tolerance can develop rapidly with these medications.

9. Take daytime naps. If you do, keep them to no more than 20 minutes, 8 hrs before bedtime.

10. Command yourself to go to sleep. This only makes your mind and body more alert.

11. Watch the clock or count minutes; this usually causes more anxiety, which keeps you up.

12. Lie in bed awake for more than 20-30 minutes. Instead, get up, go to a different room (or different part of the bedroom), participate in a quiet activity (e.g. non-excitable reading), and then return to bed when you feel sleepy. Do not turn on lights or sit in front of a bright TV or computer, this will stimulate your brain to wake up. Stay in a dark, quiet place. Do this as many times during the night as needed.

13. Succumb to maladaptive thoughts like: “Oh no, look how late it is, I’ll never get to sleep” or “I must have eight hours of sleep each night, if I get less than eight hours of sleep I will get sick.” Challenge your concerns and avoid catastrophizing. Remember that we cannot fully control our sleep process. Trying too hard to control it will make you more tense and more awake.

14. Change your daytime routine the next day if you didn’t sleep well. Even if you have a bad night sleep and are tired it is important that you try to keep your daytime activities the same as you had planned. That is, don’t avoid activities or stay in bed late because you feel tired. This can reinforce the insomnia.

15. Increase caffeine intakes the next day, this can keep you up again the following night.

Functional Medicine Supplement and Herbs


Functional Medicine Suggestions from Prescriptions for Natural Healing by Phyllis A. Balch CNC (Author)

I have also used this formula called SLEEP REMEDY and it has helped so much, it was made for Navy Seals!




Adapted from: /Sleep%20Hygeine%20WORKSHEET.pdf

It goes without saying that we at Femtechonline fully support women’s full rights to decide if she wants to birth a child or not. We do not believe that women are public property, and can be forced to gestate by any government. Statistically, legally prohibiting abortion does not prevent abortions, it prevents women’s access to safe and legal abortions. We were dis-heartened to hear the Supreme Court decision to overturn Roe v. Wade and we know that access to healthcare and emergency contraception is getting more and more difficult for many women in many states in the United States. We so appreciated the bold and compelling speech by Paxton Smith, the Texas Valedictorian here.

As laws are changing, the demand is growing for emergency contraception and many retailers are limiting the sale of the morning after pill. It’s a good idea to have a few on hand that you can purchase in the event that your contraception fails. Please always remember that you have a three day window to use a morning after pill and when you order online oftentimes things don’t arrive within that window.

Firstly: If you have insurance- call your healthcare provider, often the morning after pill is a free or low cost covered benefit.

Secondly: Contact your nearest Planned Parenthood or vetted Women’s Healthcare Clinic for a next day appointment if available. Please be aware that in some states, they have set up Pro-Life clinics masking as women’s health centers where you will be inundated with religious ideology and encouraged to not use a birth control method.

Thirdly: Try the Grocery Store. The most popular and available through grocery stores is called Plan B (levonorgestrel) and that costs upwards of $50-$80 depending on your location. There are also generic options like Ella, Next Step, or Next Option. If you’re not using insurance and paying out of pocket, the cheapest morning after pill is New Day, which is about $20 at the time of this article. The  New Day pill has a weight limit for women over 165 pounds, whereas Ella does not have this restriction.

Fourthly: Online Gynecology. We’ve researched and found a few alternative options at a lesser price. You can buy emergency contraception for under $10 on Amazon through OHM, My Choice Emergency Contraceptive 1 Tablet here: My-Choice. These pills have a expiration date of about four years, so you or your loved one can keep some lesser priced pills on-hand.

Online Gynecology is up and coming. Another online option is The Pill Club and Nurx, but they are only permitted to ship to certain states. They accept many types of insurance, you are able to order a generic version of Plan B from The Pill Club for $0.

Students: You can also contact your school’s student health services for emergency contraception.

Please listen to this compelling speech by fmr. State Representative, and our personal friend Edie Hooton on this issue. Women, please be safe, be educated and prepared. Rest assured, the founders of are working tirelessly with state and local governments in many ways, to protect women’s access to safe healthcare. Please use your voice, contact your representatives daily to fight for women’s rights. We have taken a sad turn backwards, but that can change if we all act. Stay well, stay safe.


Femtechonline is an affiliate with some of these women’s wellness links.

healthy relationship

Content Reformatted and Reposted in part (2-30) from

December 4, 2014

Author: Edie Weinstein

Editor: Catherine Monkman

1. What can I offer?
2. What do I truly want in a relationship?
3. How do I define relationship?
4. What am I unwilling to accept?
5. What models did you have for loving relationships when you were growing up?
6. What did you learn from them and what did you learn from those that weren’t healthy?
7. What did you learn about self love?
8. How was love expressed in your childhood?
9. If you were a survivor of abuse, how have you done your healing work?
10. If addiction was present in your family, how has it impacted on you?
11. How do you want your relationship to mirror that of your parents and how do you want it to differ?
12. If someone disagrees with you, how do you face it?
13. When things don’t go the way you want, how do you handle disappointment?
14. How do you express emotion, most especially anger?
15. What was the best thing that ever happened in your life?
16. What was the worst thing that ever happened in your life?
17. How do you deal with change?
18. What brings you joy and satisfaction?
19. What are your values—particularly social?
20. How do you take care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually?
21. What is your take on child raising when it comes to discipline and consequences?
22. How do you face loss?
23. When the inevitable dark nights of the soul occur, what sustains you until the morning comes?
24. Let’s talk about our sexual desires, experiences and needs.
25. If you were in a committed relationship that shifted, how has your heart healed and are you ready for a new one?
26. Do you remain friends with former partners? (By the way, I see that as a strength if the friendships are healthy and not fraught with jealousy and manipulation.)
27. How do you balance needs for “we time” and “me time,” so that you nourish yourself as well as the relationship?
28. How do you use your resources…saver, spender, sharer with money, time and energy?
29. Do you want a relationship, or do you need a relationship?
30. Who are you without one?


Photo: Man and Woman Lying on Bed Uploaded at May 20, 2017