Hello Again, Friends
This is Dawn Boiani-Sandberg from RockyMountainSomatics, and I wanted to talk to you about a subject that I’ve been wanting to speak on for quite a long time: the weaponization of boundaries and ghosting people—and how we can do better.
I think there’s been so much talk in the past few years around setting “healthy boundaries” in relationships with toxicity. With the confluence of boundary talk and social media, there’s a tendency for people to implement these boundaries by using dating apps or social media to aggressively cut and block people off. I want to talk about this tendency and the difference between setting healthy boundaries versus using psychological and emotional boundaries as a way to weaponize what looks like health—but is actually a form of aggression, hurt, and very destructive, maladaptive behavior.
Family Origins of Ghosting and Blocking
I came from a pretty dysfunctional family on the East Coast that played a lot of emotional mind games, punishment, and silent treatment. They were really hostile, mean people, and it’s taken me hundreds of thousands of dollars in therapy, wellness work, self-love, Dharma practice, and professional help to undo a lot of the damage from my family of origin. I don’t know if those patterns ever completely go away, but if you’re honest with yourself, able to accept help, and really process everything that happens to you, I believe people can overcome significant damage from their family.
In my family, ghosting and blocking were standard. Silent treatment was always commensurate with the level of the perceived injury. If a family member confronted someone about their hurtful behavior, that person was bullied, triangulated against, and cut off. This could go on for days, months, weeks, even years. The whole family would group together, create a story around the perceived injury, and then collectively punish the target. It was quintessential dark, dysfunctional family dynamics.
If you confront someone who is narcissistic, borderline, or has some type of cluster B personality, one of the gravest things you can do is to tell them they’ve hurt you. What comes back is extreme self-defense, counter-blame, an inability to hear you, and ultimately, you’ll get silenced or blocked. I see this same dynamic playing out now with social media. If someone expresses something politically or emotionally uncomfortable, or if you don’t want to see someone on a dating app, you just hit the block button. It’s intensely aggressive and hurtful. I understand blocking if someone is harassing you or making unwanted contact. But if you’re in an emotional relationship—with a friend, a community member, or a family member—and you block them as a so-called boundary without hearing what they have to say, that’s weaponization.
The Weaponization of Boundaries
Weaponizing boundaries is a dysfunctional way of relating. It’s not about healthy boundaries—it’s ego, hostility, and aggression masquerading as self-care. It’s exceedingly maladaptive and can cause immense damage. A well-adjusted person engages in relational repair: they have conversations, discuss issues, learn, move on, and apologize. Blocking and ghosting people instead is intensely cruel.
A healthier approach is to hear feedback and have a conversation. Blocking and ghosting should not be the default reaction to discomfort. Instead of Smokey the Bear putting out fires, we’ve got people snuffing out any challenge to their self-perception. This leads to further pain and unresolved wounds, perpetuating cycles of avoidance and hostility rather than true healing.
A Spiritual Teacher’s Perspective
I studied with an amazing spiritual teacher, Tulu Urgyen Rinpoche, whose presence still impacts me decades later. One story stands out: a woman came to him in deep distress, grieving her husband’s death, left alone with her children. Even though they spoke a different language, I could see the pain on his face as he listened. His heart visibly broke, but rather than shutting down or filtering his response, he met her suffering fully. Then, the moment passed. He didn’t let it stick. He was present, compassionate, and then he began offering her counsel.
This is a stark contrast to how many people handle discomfort today. Instead of being open and vulnerable, many shut down and withdraw. My family of origin played games, manipulated emotions, and hurt people. My teacher was open—he felt everything, but it didn’t become part of his identity. It dissolved like a snowflake on a warm rock. This non-stickiness is something we can all learn from.
The Dangers of Escapism and Spiritual Bypassing
Many people use spiritual or psychological tools to escape reality. Religion, meditation, or boundaries can become an opiate—a way to avoid discomfort rather than cultivate wisdom. True enlightenment isn’t about dissociating from pain but meeting it with clarity, warmth, and strength.
Think of [the movie] Pink Floyd’s The Wall. Every hurt, every unresolved issue becomes another brick, pulling us further away from reality. The ultimate result is dissociation, even madness. Boundaries should not be used to build walls of ego and isolation. We need to be present, engaged, and open to real relationships.
A Personal Example of Healthy Boundaries
When I first met my husband, Christian, in 2000, I was trying to quit smoking. I belonged to a spiritual community where smoking was normalized. I’d sneak cigarettes, keeping them at a liquor store so I wouldn’t smoke too much. Christian could always tell. One day, he told me he wouldn’t date a smoker. It wasn’t an attack—it was a clear, loving boundary. At first, I felt defensive. But ultimately, I realized he was right, and I quit.
This was a healthy boundary. It was based on love, not control or hostility. Healthy boundaries involve mutual respect and an understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable. They aren’t about avoiding feedback, escaping accountability, or using silence as a weapon.
The Buddhist Approach to Boundaries
The Buddha faced Mara’s attacks with unwavering presence. As arrows flew toward him, they transformed into flower petals. He didn’t block or evade; he transmuted. This is a healthy boundary—not reactive, but responsive. A true spiritual path strengthens us to be present, compassionate, and wise, not to use techniques as shields against the discomforts of life.
Healthy boundaries come from cultivated inner power. They’re not about ghosting, blocking, or shutting down but about creating a semi-permeable membrane that allows wisdom to enter and toxicity to dissolve. If something painful comes into our space, our warmth and awareness should be strong enough to transmute it rather than perpetuate cycles of avoidance.
The Call for a Deeper Approach
As practitioners of meditation, yoga, or spirituality, our goal should be to cultivate a presence that is strong, open, and wise. We don’t use spirituality to retreat from the world—we engage. Even the Buddha and Milarepa re-entered the world to help others.
We must move beyond escapism, beyond using boundaries as weapons, and into a deeper practice of relational repair, openhearted presence, and true resilience. Let’s rethink how we use social media and boundaries—not as tools for harm, but as paths toward deeper connection, clarity, and strength.
Thank you so much for listening.
Discussions from Understanding Then Narc– the violence of silence and blocking.
