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Have you ever been hurt or betrayed by your religious or spiritual community? These can be some of the deepest wounds and hard to recover from, but not impossible. Many of you know that I left my Episcopalian upbringing to become a Buddhist, because they seemed more sophisticated and progressive. We don’t believe in god, and I wanted to evolve beyond the Christian heavy handed tenets of: original sin, hell, a punishment model of morality and find a real path where I could evolve spiritually. Buddhism offers an excellent, proven path where one can truly develop. I was thrilled and honored to devote my life and priority to, well, everything. I never thought I’d find myself in a place where I questioned all that I believed, especially the modern implementation of profound Buddhist teachings that once gave me so much inspiration and solace.

Like so many others, I came looking for community, to cultivate authentic inner wisdom, and a deeper connection to something vast and liberating, beyond the despair of an unsavory past. Instead, I sadly found, and still find, myself at times, ensnared in the manipulations of hurtful, toxic, fire-and-brimstone punishment doctrine espoused by wrong views of Buddhism and spiritual narcissists. These are people who use a trusted faith to wield their power over others with a quiet, insidious control that erodes one’s sense of inner wisdom, agency and trust in oneself. This is how unhealthy, controlling spiritual cults are forged, and they are not capable of offering liberation, au contraire.

When we think of abuse, we often imagine violence, screaming, or overt cruelty. But the most dangerous abusers I encounter operate in silence, with kind, lofty words and doctrine from their lips but only ego and predation in their hearts. When you experience the slow realization that the spiritual friends and some teachers you trusted are not what they seem, it can shake your very foundation, and indeed, break your heart at your deepest core, and this pain can feel inconsolable. Furthermore, in certain sects of Buddhism, we have vows and tenets that to even see a teacher or community member impurely, results in rebirth in… hell. What if you were really hurt or abused, or even have simple conflict, misunderstanding or disagreement? In certain sects you are prohibited from speaking out. This leads way to inner conflict, cognitive dissonance and self-gaslighting that is very difficult, if not impossible to deconstruct, deconvert from.

It has taken years to understand what had happened and still is happening to me, and even longer to find the right words to articulate it. It is a lonely path, since I have not left and believe that I will never leave the Buddhist faith, but have become “woke” to the deceptions of false clergy, sangha and fake teachers and since they are so ubiquitous these days. This clear seeing makes me somewhat of a pariah, that can no longer be “wooed” by spiritual pomp, titles and glamour.

I however, did have a few amazing teachers and select benevolent true friends, who support our mutual meditation and spiritual practice. Yet, this healthy and trusted social milieu is shrinking. We are in the days where even the precious Buddhist dharma is being used to foster nothing more than ego and graver issues like: untreated alcoholism, violence, rape and pedophilia as well as simple unkindness and exceedingly unhealthy and hurtful behaviors in many communities.

Understanding Narcissism in Spiritual Communities-
Its Many Faces

Narcissism, according to the DSM5 is a form of Antisocial Personality Disorder. One of the most insidious aspects of my experience was dealing with this very specific kind of narcissist—these spiritual narcissists. These individuals wield enlightenment as a tantalizing weapon, twisting ancient teachings and wisdom to serve their own desires. Look on their social media, photo after photo of- guess who- themselves, donning Buddhist cloth in staged “holy places” and pontificating incessant quotes and Buddhist platitudes. They are often exceedingly knowledgeable with scripture, demand adulation, obedience, silence, secrecy, “command and control,” and use their perceived spiritual superiority to exploit, own and hurt people. They are not just misguided leaders; they are predators in maroon, saffron or white robes, wolves cloaked in the flowery language of compassion, ready to “bless” their next victim.

We talk a lot about narcissism everywhere these days, but it is not a one-size-fits-all disorder. While many people imagine narcissists as grandiose, self-absorbed, self righteous, and obvious in their repugnant arrogance, the truth is that they come in many shades, some of them dangerously subtle. The spiritual world attracts this particular breed of narcissist, one who hides behind a false edifice of morality and enlightened qualities, but in truth is nothing but a grifter, con man and coercer.

Grandiose narcissists are easy to spot. This is the traditional narcissist that we think of that demands admiration, bask in their own peacock-like self importance, and expects unwavering adulation. They proclaim themselves as enlightened masters, unquestionable in their wisdom, and often create cult-like followings where their words or understanding is indisputable. They feed off adoration, punishing anyone who questions them. I see on Dharma forums, these types of Besserwissers (German for know-it-all “dharma” experts) and they troll online communities all day and night, espousing wisdom and doctrine, but what is behind it is often a weak and broken person that acts vile, arrogant, self righteous and hurtful, devoid of any trace dharmic quality whatsoever.

They Don’t Have Friends, They Have Hosts

A particularly insidious and cunning subset is the covert or vulnerable narcissist, who plays the victim, the humble servant, or the self-sacrificing adherent while subtly demanding absolute respect and loyalty. They can present with compassionate benevolence and most report that “he is such a nice man, teacher, lama etc,” however… The covert narcissist avoids direct confrontation but secretly orchestrates situations of harm and control, where people who see through this mask are shamed, ostracized, or made to feel spiritually deficient.

The faceless milieu of social media provides a playground for covert narcissists to harvest prey. Think of the Hades-like underworld control of the Phantom of the Opera. They look for the vulnerable and love-bomb their followers into submission, using the traditional Idealize, Devalue and Discard passive-aggressive tactics to forge trauma bonds and maintain control. They feign soft spoken vulnerability, pity and victimization to garner sympathy, making it nearly impossible to see them as the abusers they truly are. I have tried countless times to seek support from community members and administrators, reporting that I had been deeply hurt, betrayed, blocked and shunned by certain male covert narcissists, but my concerns were continually and to this day, ignored. Then, not only ignored but, as always, the woman or target is projected upon and blamed and deemed “unstable.”

In spiritual communities, narcissism takes on this especially sinister shape. Those who, like the past exposure of the Catholic pedophile priests, exploit religion for their own gain often fall into the category of these spiritual narcissists. Once again, using their supposed enlightenment or trusted religious authority as a weapon to groom, dominate, manipulate, abuse and exploit. These individuals are masters of deception, presenting themselves as compassionate leaders while secretly craving admiration, self serving pleasure, control and some can even take sadisitic pleasure by harming others.

Finally, there are predatory spiritual narcissists, individuals who use their positions to exploit followers financially, emotionally, sexually and spiritually. They use religious tenets to evoke control and fear, like positing themselves to have unseen spiritual powers that can be used in retribution toward dissenters. They may engage in ritual abuse, incantations and black magic. These predators, almost inhumane, operate with a chilling detachment, seeing their prey not as people but as pin-cushion pawns to be extracted for their own gratification. Using one’s religion and the unsuspecting trust of others for nefarious purposes, or to intentionally hurt or harm others, is of course, beyond all imaginable evil. The good news is, that these attempts to curse and harm others, usually boomerang-backfire at some point.

The Dark Triad and the Corruption of Buddhist Communities

Then, there are the malignant narcissists, profoundly disordered souls who exhibit a trifecta of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy~ what psychologists call the Dark Triad. These are the true predators, individuals who seek positions of authority not to help others, but to exploit and destroy. They lack empathy, thrive on deception, and use fear to maintain control.

When these individuals find their way into Buddhist communities, the results can be catastrophic. These are the most dangerous, cold blooded, reptilian-like personality types, capable of murder, genocide and world wars. This is an exceedingly toxic cocktail of personality traits that creates individuals who are brutal, calculating, manipulative, and devoid of any genuine compassion or conscience.

Psychopaths have an inborn lack of empathy and remorse, making them particularly dangerous in positions of authority. They actually believe a self aggrandizing lie, that they are superior to others and entitled to adoration. When someone with these traits enters a position of spiritual authority, the damage they inflict is profound. They are not simply flawed teachers; they are predators who know exactly how to exploit the faith, longing, brokenness, trust and very lives of their followers. There is a similarity between destructive men in power in both religion and politics as we can currently see in many nations worldwide, as similar deceptive, persuasive, social control methods are used in both.

Recent scandals in Buddhist communities have highlighted how dangerous these individuals can be. Now I will say, that there are some exceedingly powerful and ethical spiritual teachers, but we must be able to differentiate, as anyone offered absolute power can lead way to exploitation. In the past few years, we have seen hundreds of respected teachers accused of sexual misconduct, financial fraud as well as psychological and “clergy abuse.” Many of them hide behind their robes and false “venerable” titles, claiming enlightenment while suppressing their victims into silence. They cult-convince their followers that doubt is a sign of spiritual weakness, that questioning authority is a failure of faith. They create environments where abuse flourishes because no one dares to speak out, lest they be chastised or shunned.

Crazy Wisdom is Just Abuse

Buddhist organizations have hierarchical structures and unquestioning reverence for teachers, and are ideal hunting grounds for those with Dark Triad traits. In modern Tantric Buddhism, the teacher is revered as a veritable god, and very young children are taken from their families in predominately Asian culture, groomed, enthroned and worshiped and left to endure covert abuse. In these settings, if a teacher is a narcissistic leader, he or she is not merely tolerated but often worshiped, and their abusive tendencies rationalized as part of their “wisdom” or “crazy wisdom.” The tradition engenders a “magical thinking” premise that a supposed enlightened teacher can “see your past and future karma” from some unseen realm and that abuse, be it physical or sexual, would help the student to “purify negative karma.” Adherents then conflate abuse with a blessing, the quintessential transposing of human ethics e.g. “Freedom is slavery, Ignorance is strength, Abuse is a Blessing” that only cult influence can achieve – and so it perpetuates.

Retribution for Dissent

I have watched survivors, both men and women including myself, try to expose the truth, that people are really hurt in these communities, only to be told that we held “impure perceptions,” were vow breakers, demonic and going to perdition or hell. (Yes, even in Buddhism we have over 16 hells!) Most of the time, it is a woman who has complained about sexual, emotional or spiritual abuse and they are not believed and rather, labeled: crazy, unstable, troublemaker, vindictive and so on. It could never be possible that a man in power who sought out an entrusted, exalted, -holier than thou- role would ever behave unethically, or be a predator- impossible!

In most cases, victims of sexual and multifaceted exploitation are wholly blamed for “misunderstanding” the benevolence and pure intentions of their high spiritual leaders. Many leaders, with profound hypocrisy, teach ethics, right livelihood, karma and the path of wisdom and ask us to examine our blindspots, but are wholly incapable of self-reflection, feedback or any shred of accountability. They are further enabled by their blind followers, even when presented with indisputable abuse evidence, the followers have been groomed to continue to deny facts, remain obedient and enslaved. I would only pray that someday my fellow Buddhist friends see that hurting people and children, abuse, cruelty and exploitation are never, ever teaching methods, period, and will hold unethical teachers, leaders and clergy accountable by defunding, defrocking and dethroning those who abuse.

The Current Scandals and the Pattern of Abuse

Spiritual Narcissism is not an abstract theory, many unhealthy communities are continuing to perpetrate as we speak, worldwide. High-profile teachers, once revered, have been exposed for sexual misconduct, financial exploitation, and emotional abuse, and many communities are waning. Some of these cases have been decades in the making, with survivors dismissed, shamed, or silenced through threats of legal, spiritual or social ruin. I have been threatened myself a few times to remain silent and never tell anyone what I know, lest there be… consequences.

The patterns are disturbingly predictable. A charismatic leader or someone with a chosen title rises to prominence, gathering followers who believe they have found someone who they can devote their lives to and follow a vetted path toward liberation. As the leader gathers community and power, they establish a system where any doubt or questioning is equated with spiritual immaturity or betrayal. Victims who come forward after being hurt, are dismissed as mentally unstable, demons or simply “not ready” for the teacher’s radical, “tantric,” methods. One noted teacher suggests that if you aren’t ready to: “Drink Poison as Medicine” that you should go back to more remedial teachings, ipso facto, allowing unquestioning devotion that includes abuse is equated with a more suitable “vessel” or more evolved student. The community quickly becomes less about Buddhism and more about loyalty to the leader and in fact, Tibetan or Tantric Buddhism is often called “Lamaism.” You actually worship a person as divine.

Affinity Fraud: When Trust is Weaponized

Antisocials can form, gravitate to and join spiritual organizations where they practice forgiveness, redemption and compassion. One of the most effective weapons in the arsenal of spiritual narcissists is affinity fraud~ a form of deception where a person exploits the trust of a specific community. In our tradition, this means leveraging shared altruistic beliefs to forge the illusion that someone is safe and credible. Those who enter a Buddhist sangha assume they are among loving, kindred spirits, people seeking wisdom, kindness, and enlightenment. This sense of shared purpose makes it easier to overlook red flags, and is a fertile playground for predators to flourish.

We assume that someone who speaks about compassion must be compassionate, that someone who preaches about non-attachment must not crave power. But predators understand this dynamic all too well, using our own trust and goodwill against us. Many of us who have been victims of religious abuse didn’t walk in blindly~ we were led in, love bombed and groomed by people we trusted, people who vouched for the integrity of the community.

By the time we began to see the cracks, we had already invested too much to leave easily. For me, it’s been impossible since I have been involved since I was 18, and I recall, I started reading Dharma books as early as 15. The weight of what are called sunk costs*- spiritually, emotionally, financially~ kept me/us trapped, rationalizing behaviors that, in any other context, would have been obvious signs of manipulation.

*Sunk Cost Fallacy is the idea that you have invested so much in a belief structure, that even when presented with facts to the contrary, you refuse to see the truth and let go of a belief system, lest you relinquish years of: ideology, investment of time and money, close and treasured social and family ties and/or our very identity.

Religious Trauma Syndrome: The Aftermath of Spiritual Abuse

For those who manage to wake up and escape a harmful community, the damage does not at all end when we walk away. Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS) is a term used to describe the deep psychological scars left by this spiritual abuse and betrayal. It can arise as anxiety, depression, guilt, and a profound sense of loss. Many survivors like myself, struggle at times with PTSD-like symptoms~ ruminating memories, panic, insomnia, believe that we are evil or dammed and have difficulty trusting others and moving on.

Some friends haven left and lost their faith entirely, while others, like myself, spend years trying to untangle the difference between true, wholesome and simple spirituality and the complicated, culturally influenced, punitive, slave-and-owner, distorted version we were subjected to. It has been painful and liberating to tenaciously go to the essence of our teachings, and I am grateful to have done so. The Buddha himself required us to all go deeply beyond blind adherence to doctrine. My husband said once “now that your social community has disintegrated, you have more time to practice and finally become a Buddhist.” What insight!

One of the hardest parts of healing from religious trauma is the isolation. When you leave a spiritually abusive environment, you are often shunned by the very community that once embraced you. You can lose hundreds of people in one fell swoop, years of friends, lovers and even family ties. You lose not just your faith, but your social network, your sense of belonging. The deepest kind of loss and aloneness, and I have cried for years about this. The people who once called you family now see you as a traitor, a fallen soul, a demon, a vow breaker, one that made the heinous crime of leaving their teacher and community.

But, dear friends, I assure you, growth and healing outside of this harm is possible. It begins with acknowledging the abuse for what it was~ not at all any spiritual failing on your part, but a violation of trust by those who claimed to be trustworthy and wise. It requires re-learning how to trust yourself, knowing in your own inner silence and solitude, how to listen to your own instincts instead of the voices of mindf*ckery and manipulation. It means finding support~ whether in therapy, in other survivors, or in a more secular spirituality that is free from toxicity, coercion and control. I am beyond lucky to have rare and ethical Buddhist teachers that helped me to parse out healthy community and ideology from what is not, and support my efforts to leave unwholesome environments.

Beyond Victimhood- Waking Up and Reclaiming Your Power

Surviving abuse in a spiritual community does not, for me, mean the end of my Buddhist faith. It does not mean the end of seeking deep inner wisdom and peace. It means breaking free from those who distort spirituality for their own gain. It means reclaiming what was stolen. Above all, it means remembering that no one~ not even a so-called enlightened master~ has the right to own my life, money, body and… spirit.

The path forward is different for everyone, but the first step is always the same: recognizing that abuse- hurt that is wrapped in the robes of a high teacher, monk or the words of a sutra… is still abuse. I have to this day, survived, but not without deep regret. And I know I am not alone. I’d rather live the truth than perpetuate a lie. If you are reading this and seeing your own experience reflected in my words, know that you are not crazy or a demon or evil. Your insight and strength to question is not impure or weak. The journey to evolve out of spiritual abuse is long and often painful, but freedom~ true freedom~ begins the moment we stop seeking permission to reclaim our own lives. That after all, is exactly what the Buddha himself reportedly did.

“Be a lamp unto yourself, be a refuge to yourself.”

Appo Deepo Bhava- The Buddha

 

QUIZ: What Kind of Narcissist Are You/ Did You Encounter?

(For reflection and entertainment purposes only. If you suspect you/your partner or spiritual community have narcissistic traits that impact your life and relationships, consider speaking with a mental health professional.)

Instructions: Answer each question Yes or No based on what resonates with you the most. At the end, count your “Yes” responses in each section to determine which narcissistic type you might align with.

• Section 1: Grandiose Narcissism (Overt Narcissism)
• Do you believe you are naturally superior to most people?
• Do you crave admiration and expect others to acknowledge your greatness?
• Do you exaggerate your talents, accomplishments, or influence?
• Do you feel entitled to special treatment and privileges?
• Do you rarely feel guilt or remorse when you put yourself first?

If you answered “Yes” to 3 or more, you may have Grandiose Narcissistic tendencies.

Section 2: Covert Narcissism (Vulnerable Narcissism)

• Do you often feel underappreciated or misunderstood?
• Do you silently believe you are superior but feel resentful when others don’t see it?
• Do you struggle with criticism and dwell on perceived slights?
• Do you frequently feel like a victim in relationships or social settings?
• Do you use guilt, passive-aggression, or self-pity to manipulate people?

If you answered “Yes” to 3 or more, you may have Covert Narcissistic tendencies.

Section 3: Malignant Narcissism (Dark Triad)

• Do you enjoy controlling others or feel powerful when people fear you?
• Have you ever manipulated or deceived others without feeling guilt?
• Do you get satisfaction from seeing others fail or struggle?
• Do you believe rules don’t apply to you, and that you’re always one step ahead?
• Do you enjoy creating conflict or drama for personal gain?

If you answered “Yes” to 3 or more, you may have Malignant Narcissistic tendencies.

Section 4: Communal Narcissism (Altruistic Narcissism)

• Do you consider yourself the most morally righteous or selfless person in your group?
• Do you expect admiration for your kindness, generosity, or charity work?
• Do you feel angry or offended when others fail to recognize your good deeds?
• Do you believe you are more spiritually evolved or ethical than most people?
• Do you often talk about the sacrifices you make for others?

If you answered “Yes” to 3 or more, you may have Communal Narcissistic tendencies.

Section 5: Spiritual Narcissism

• Do you believe you are more enlightened, awakened, or spiritually superior than others?
• Do you think people who disagree with your spiritual beliefs are ignorant or “less evolved”?
• Have you ever used spirituality or religion to justify abusing or controlling others?
• Do you believe your spiritual journey makes you more special or deserving of respect?
• Do you dismiss or invalidate others’ feelings because they lack your “higher understanding”?

If you answered “Yes” to 3 or more, you may have Spiritual Narcissistic tendencies.

Section 6: Somatic Narcissism (Physical Vanity & Appearance-Based Narcissism)

• Do you believe your appearance makes you more valuable or superior to others?
• Do you obsess over physical perfection and expect others to admire your looks?
• Do you judge people harshly based on their appearance, fitness, or attractiveness?
• Have you used your body or attractiveness to gain power or control over others?
• Do you feel deeply insecure when you don’t receive attention for your looks?

If you answered “Yes” to 3 or more, you may have Somatic Narcissistic tendencies.

Section 7: Cerebral Narcissism (Intellectual Superiority)

• Do you believe you are significantly more intelligent than most people?
• Do you feel the need to prove your intelligence in every conversation?
• Do you dismiss others’ opinions as ignorant or inferior?
• Do you enjoy making others feel intellectually inadequate?
• Do you use complex language, obscure references, or excessive logic to establish dominance?

If you answered “Yes” to 3 or more, you may have Cerebral Narcissistic tendencies.

Results:
* Grandiose Narcissist (Overt) – Confident, attention-seeking, entitled, and believes they are superior.
* Covert Narcissist (Vulnerable) – Insecure, resentful, manipulative through self-pity and passive aggression.
* Malignant Narcissist (Dark Triad) – Manipulative, cruel, controlling, and lacking empathy.
* Communal Narcissist (Altruistic) – Seeks admiration for morality, selflessness, and “goodness.”
* Spiritual Narcissist – Uses spirituality or enlightenment to feel superior and control others.
* Somatic Narcissist – Focused on physical appearance, attractiveness, and fitness for validation.
* Cerebral Narcissist – Obsessed with intelligence, condescending, and dismissive of others’ opinions.

If you answered “Yes” to 3 or more in any section, you may strongly exhibit traits of that narcissistic type, please seek sincere professional help to try to break these patterns. The famous Tibetan doctor, Dr. Nida suggested that many lamas/teachers/tulkus in our tradition could benefit from therapy.

From Survivor to Thriver

If you have encountered a spiritual or any type of narcissist, please do not make the same mistake as I did, and hope that they will change, or that you can convince your community to be more ethical, stop abusing members and children etc. These people/ communities are rarely capable of insight or contrition and you can waste years of your precious life and energy in a Stockholm Syndrome trap engaged in environments where they can never love or care for you, and certainly never, ever, lead you to enlightenment.

The only grace if you have been betrayed by these people or communities is that you do have the opportunity to learn, heal and really grow from this, your tears can become jewels of wisdom. We can forge a genuine, deep spiritual “path,” that a narcissist, will indeed, never traverse.

All my love to all survivors, may your heart be healed.