How to Untangle the Mindf*ck of Narcissistic Abuse

IDEALIZE, DEVALUE, DISCARD

Narcissistic abuse is a very serious type of emotional abuse that is hallmarked by a Svengali-like person magnetizing you (the target or victim), into a false relationship by saying whatever could woo you into becoming emotionally vulnerable. After you are open, trusting and vulnerable, they then begin to constantly criticize and insult you, lie, devalue you and have a lot of heated conflict. You’re in the middle of it before you understand what’s happening to you. They become hostile, emotionally reactive and blame you for the things that they’re projecting upon you, which are results of their own inner conflict, unprocessed wounding, and self-hatred. This is the very definition of gaslighting.

Then you begin to see behind the mask of who they really are, and how profoundly disordered they are, confront them and speak up for yourself. You now live in a dis-regulated, traumatized state, trying to correct all of the false accusations and conflict that they created, they will then have a narcissistic rage or injury, blow up to attack you for everything and project all fault onto you.

THE INFAMOUS ONE-TWO PUNCH

Then, finally when you are completely broken and convulsing in the gutter emotionally, and you’ve begun to lose, well, everything, they will run away, discard or block you. This is called the “narcissistic one-two punch” of the injury or intense rage, and then… the cutoff. You have been blamed, emotionally skullf*cked and when you most need to talk to them to heal the hemorrhaging pain, you are silenced. They became your world, but you meant nothing to them and they can throw you out, like a used dishtowel, with absolutely no empathy or conscience. You discover to your shock and dismay, that they move on very quickly. They already have repository of back up narcissistic supply to feed their ego, waiting in the rear.

Sometimes when they get bored and they run out of supply after weeks months or even years, they might pop back into your life in a “chance encounter,” or unblock you or recontact you. You imagine that they’ve “seen the light,” woken up and thankfully wanted to heal all of the damage that they created~ but in fact, they’re just back to re-loop you into another toxic cycle of emotional abuse. Often they take sadistic pleasure at knowing that they have control over you since they’re not capable of genuine love, and consummating any normal healthy relationship; they can only act in a predatory way. These people are sadly, soul stealing, life draining, and indeed, cold blooded. Charming, why in the world would this ever be interesting to anyone and why would someone not use their basic instinct and walk away? This is the very mindf*ck that we’re going to discuss.

A NEW BREED?

When I grew up, we never talked about narcissistic abuse or emotional abuse, but it seems like every other forum or blog discusses this topic. There are so many courses you can take and self-help, forums and coaching and therapy and many ask- why is it so difficult to recover from? Have these people been around in human society since time immemorial or are we breeding them in unhealthy families? Are narcissists, borderlines, anti-socials and Cluster B Disorders the result of the breakdown of the nuclear family, latchkey kids, callous yuppy “me generation” selfishness, emotional neglect and various abuse in the homes? How do these people get forged or are they born that way?

Sometimes, if we know that they’ve had a difficult childhood that makes us feel sorry for them such that we overlook the abuse out of pity and falsely placed compassion. These people will look for narcissistic supply by committing Affinity Fraud by joining endless online forums, churches and religions, in places where we are hardwired to forgive bad behavior, and believe that everyone is redeemable. They can present to the world, a cunning, grandiose sense of superiority to hide the profoundly damaged, phantom person behind the mask. There are two amazing books that I read on the subject, one is called the Five Types of People that will Ruin your Life, the second is Psychopath Free. I also joined a number of online forums and have a list of references here of invaluable communities to help in this challenging healing process.

How We Get Addicted to a Person

I was working with a narcissistic abuse coach awhile back, and he said the single most insightful thing I’ve ever heard. He said:

“What the narcissist did to you is something that no one can recover from.”

So the question then is if we take these 12 steps below to recover, how can we recover from something that’s impossible? What does that mean that what they did, no one can recover from? During our discussion he asked me point blank- what do you want? I said: In my heart of hearts, I want the narcissistic people in my life (to which there are a few) to recontact me apologize, take accountability and then we can be in harmony and have a harmonious family, community, friendship or relationship.

NO RESOLVE, Step #1

He said the Achilles heel of all victims of narcissistic abuse who get involved with these toxic relationships is the hope and the longing that this person will change, and it will be resolved, ipso facto, the pain that they inflicted upon you will finally cease. It makes sense if you were a normal, well adjusted person that is capable of relational repair. For example, in normal relationships, two people have a disagreement or fight, one person apologizes, there is forgiveness, understanding, learning and the relationship continues.

However, disordered people have completely different way of operating. It’s never about genuine, healthy love and reciprocity, they actually find victims and prey and target these people for narcissistic supply. Once the narcissistic supply is used up and they are exposed for the emotional vacuums that they are, the target now becomes their mortal enemy. The victim now serves a valued purpose to be the embodiment of the narcissist’s shadow. A dark, evil target they can smear and hate, and that makes them feel absolved from any responsibility of the emotional rape that they themselves, are wholly responsible for.

So the counselor said the very first step like in any Alcoholics Anonymous or 12 step program is to acknowledge that there is no possibility of resolve with these people. In fact, there’s a psychological term from Sandra L. Brown, about people relating with people with these Cluster B disorders it’s called “a relationship of inevitable harm.” Narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths generally never ever seek help. Why? Because out of emotional immaturity they think it’s always someone else’s problem, namely their current target, and they actually believe that they’ve been victimized. This is THE disorder.

Love Bombing and Trauma Bonds

I’m sure by now, all of us have heard of Stockholm Syndrome, where you can become emotionally dependent, or even fall in love with your abusers. You can read about it if you have never heard of this term. So let’s talk about the emotional and biochemical effects of psychological and emotional abuse that can forge a very difficult-to-break cycle called a trauma bond. The biochemistry of trauma bonds is actually much stronger than falling in love, and almost near impossible to sever.

Narcissistic people start out offering an idyllic relationship, where their target feels so much synchronicity, spark and connection. The victim feel really loved, and really, finally “seen” and predators have a way of honing in on a mirror resonance, to give that person exactly what they were lacking. Most people feel when they’ve met a Narcissist or Cluster B personality that they’ve met their soulmate or Twin Flame, and that they fall absolutely head over heels in love, and never want to be separated from that person. This is their first trick, entraining with you and love bombing, and then you’re hooked- literally like a fish squirming out of water, that’s been ensnared.

These trauma bonds can feel euphoric at first— but when the fleeting joy fades, we are left with an aching void, a haunting reminder that our reality becomes a day-and-nightmare from which we can’t awaken. This insidious cycle leaves us limerent, longing for an impossible love and reconciliation, one that would fulfill our deepest needs and desires. We are addicted, thoroughly, with no resolve.

Intermittent Reinforcement- The mechanism behind the trauma bond

What I’m about to tell you is what actually cracks the code and exposes the basic modus operandi of a narcissist or psychopath. Once you understand this covert process, the healing can take place exponentially. These disordered people, I don’t know if it’s intentional or if they do this intuitively, but they are expert at forging trauma bonds by always creating a pattern of intermittent reinforcement, also known as breadcrumbing, for their victims. What does that mean?

Fixed reinforcement schedule

There’s a famous research story of some lab mice, that were set in two different areas. One group of mice were placed in a chamber with a lever that they could press to be able to receive a food pellet. Every time that they pressed the lever they got fed, and it was very consistent and reliable. These mice flourished and wound up mating and sleeping well, and we’re completely relaxed, because they knew that they could always depend upon their needs being met.

Variable reinforcement schedule

In contrast, the other group of mice were given an inconsistent reward when they pressed the lever. Sometimes when they pressed it, they would get a pellet, and sometimes they wouldn’t. The researchers would go for some time, and deny them food. This inconsistency of the intermittent reinforcement created uncertainty and a huge amount of biological and psychological stress for the mice. Many wound up getting addicted to pressing the lever, and stopped mating and doing basic self-care. Their sleep was disregulated as well as their nervous systems. They would continuously press the lever due to the uncertainty and potential for a reward at any given time, thus the inception of a bio-chemical trauma bond.

Dopamine, a neurotransmitter crucial to the brain’s pleasure center, plays a significant role in forming reward circuits that connect our romantic partners to feelings of pleasure and even survival. Interestingly, dopamine levels are more elevated when affection and attention are given on an intermittent basis, rather than consistently. This fluctuating behavior in toxic relationships can intensify our “love” and attachment to abusers, creating a dependency very similar, if not exact, to that experienced with substance addiction. We become addicted to and at the mercy of our own internal biochemistry, where the abuser puts us in a hypervigilant cortisol and adrenaline infused trauma state, and one tiny breadcrumb of contact or kindness that we are so desperately longing for, can absolve the pain~ until… the next cyclic round of emotional hell.

I know from experience, having been living with these people for all of my life since childhood, that psycho-education doesn’t really heal the heart. I’ve been in long-term therapy with some amazing experts, received some very powerful meditation techniques studied with great masters, and taken lots of classes, and trainings on narcissistic abuse and wellness. All of the education serves as mostly an intellectual understanding and yet, the undercurrent of the heartbreak and deep betrayal from those that I loved and trusted, still continues to a greater or lesser degree. If you’ve been the victim of a predator, or if you’ve been raised by a disordered parent, I don’t think we ever really completely 100% heal, but we learn to live with what Pasquale called a sacred wound, and that becomes a treasured source of wisdom, compassion and understanding. I know in the 12 step program they talk about addiction as a process of recovery rather than a finite moment where someone is completely “recovered.” It’s a works in progress, and genuine, gritty spiritual path that provides fodder for an entire life.

The Path to Liberation: A 12-Step Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Journey

But I discovered that there is hope, how to get unf*ucked with a path to untangling these bonds and reclaiming my life. I created a 12-step model inspired by Al-Anon that provides me with a lifeline. Here’s how I began my journey to recovery, including building healthy relationships with myself, my family and some healthier members of my spiritual community:

The Road Ahead

Breaking free from the suffocating hook of a trauma bond is a challenging journey filled with heartache and bravery. Yet, with every step I take toward healing, I reclaim pieces of myself I thought I’d lost forever. Each moment of clarity is a triumph over the chaos and inconsolable tears that once defined my existence.

To anyone who feels trapped in the cycle of narcissistic abuse, I know from a lifetime experience that it is so hard but please know that there is hope. You are not alone, and your journey toward freedom starts with a single step. Together, we can break these chains and shine into a future filled with love, light, and the unwavering strength of our true Selves.

Remember, a healthy healed relationship with yourself is the key to a brighter tomorrow~

A bouquet of flowers for you.

With Care,

Dawn Boiani-Sandberg

 

Sources:

All images from jasmin chew https://www.pexels.com/@majesticaljasmin/

Carnes, P., & Phillips, B. (2019). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications.
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Carver, J. M. (2011). Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The mystery of loving an abuser. Retrieved July 31, 2017, from http://drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html
Fisher, H. (2016, February 04). Love Is Like Cocaine – Issue 33: Attraction. Retrieved April 01, 2019, from http://nautil.us/issue/33/attraction/love-is-like-cocaine
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